Affirmations. Affirmations. Affirmations. These are huge. Even if you don’t believe them to be true right now, you can practice saying things that you want to be true. Take a minute and think about the things and people in your life. What is going well? Encourage yourself to speak more positively about your life and the impact that things and people have in your life.
Not yet is better than never.
Our thoughts, in many ways, determine how successful we can be in any given moment. The powerful impact that affirmations have over our daily confidence and self worth when we are feeling down or negative is backed by research.
I believe in myself and my ability to succeed.
Many times we do not realize how much we affirm others over ourselves. It is sometimes easier to give someone else a compliment before we give one to ourselves. Instead of constantly criticizing yourself, try affirming yourself. Get started with one of these ten affirmations below:
I will turn negative thoughts into positive ones and create a safe space for myself
I am a positive and focused person filled with faith, confidence, and enthusiasm
I trust that everything in my life will be fine and give myself permission to be emotional so that I can learn and grow
My words matter and I can add value to any conversation
I see so many positives in my life and I am transforming my life day by day
I am trusting the journey and accept myself as I am
I am more than enough, my life is valuable, I am worthy of love, peace, and happiness
I trust myself to make the right decision, I believe in myself and in my abilities
I will not let my anxious thoughts have power over me. I will use that energy to help me understand my thoughts and feelings
I am relaxed, refreshed, and healthy
Write down one or two of your favorites on a sticky note, in your phone, in a notebook, or even on your bathroom mirror and speak life over yourself, every morning. There’s a powerful app called “ThinkUp” that you can download on your phone and you can record yourself speaking your affirmations and replay it at any time. Hearing our own voice has so much impact on our brain and so does repetition. It is encouraging to ourselves when we start our day affirming and reminding ourselves that the process of eliminating negativity starts within. This helps to set the tone for your day. Give yourself permission to fail, you are not perfect and we all make mistakes. Turn the failures you experience into lessons so that you can be and feel confident enough to move forward and try again. YOU got this!
Take a step back, open your mind for a moment and remember that people have various types of motivation for what they do, especially on social media. This is also known as someone’s “WHY,” which means that I as a relationship coach, advocate it is my experiences that motivate and influence me to do what I am doing. If you have not read my Intro To Me, please do so.
The reason I decided to give a response to Derrick Jaxn’s video apology/truth is because of perspective. Derrick has been known as a huge social media icon: Mr. Relationship. He has provided content to his followers to include advice, books, games and weekly videos on how a man should and should not be in relationships and towards his woman.
Allow me to share my perspective. Scrolling through any social media site, you will find many responses and comments toward this couple, especially directed towards him. So allow me to walk you through my thoughts.
On one side I hear:
You are a lie
You’re a cheat
All men cheat
Everyone cheats
You’ve been putting yourself on this pedestal as if you were the best example of what a man should be to his woman.
There’s no hope
Another side I hear:
You have given great advice and most of the time what drives someone to do what they do (as I stated earlier) is based on experience.
Perhaps if he had led with, “I was a cheater and I’m speaking from experience, let me help you be a better man in your relationships,” we would have been more receptive to hear and receive what he was saying.
The final side I hear:
Great job for owning your truth and doing the work behind the scenes with your wife.
Shout out to her for sticking by your side through your bs.
Although during the interview, I was feeling that her body language showed that she was “over it” for a lack of better words.
Focus on what you have going on with yourself and in your household before you judge.
Remember the open mind I asked you to have at the beginning? Great. I remind you to focus on what you have going on with yourself and in your household before you judge.
There’s so much to unravel through this situation and at the same time we will never know the entire story or truth and it’s not meant for us to anyway but based on what we do know, what can we learn from him? When you are passionate about something, in your “why” define your purpose and passion then share with your audience where that passion stems from and what was the “ah-ha” moment for defining your purpose? Transparency as you open up to your audience matters and allows you to immediately connect with your audience on a more purposeful level. After all, we are ALL HUMAN.
Now that we have the 7 steps to discovering your true self, let’s continue to dig deeper because I filled you up with so many valuable nuggets.
The sixth nugget: Forgive Yourself in 3 Steps
Sometimes what is holding us back at being the best version of ourselves is the person we see when we look in the mirror. When was the last time you looked in the mirror and had a conversation with yourself?
First, you must accept responsibility for what has happened to you and for the things you have done. Being open and honest with yourself for what you have faced or are facing can be very challenging. You want to avoid feeling guilty, and regret. However, expect those negative feelings to creep in and use this as an opportunity to identify what positive behavior changes you can make.
Forgive yourself for not knowing what you didn’t know before you learned it. — Maya Angelou
Second, when it comes to forgiveness, most of the time you are trying to make amends with someone so you can move forward. The same applies to self forgiveness. Making amends with yourself will help you learn to trust yourself again if you stopped. A great exercise I find helpful is to go in your bathroom, close the door, look in the mirror, and do something like this:
“[insert your name] and say: I’m sorry for allowing these things to happen to you. I’m sorry for how I’ve been treating you. You deserve better. You deserve happiness. You deserve to find out what your purpose is on earth and live a happy life. I will create happiness for you starting now. I forgive you.. Moving forward, I will try my best everyday to give you what you deserve. I forgive myself. I am proud of myself for trying. I am who I need to be in this moment”.
I am who I need to be in this moment.
Third, allow yourself to feel all the feelings that come out of this moment. Sit with yourself, observe and acknowledge what comes up. Give yourself permission to cry, to yell, or sigh. Come out of that moment on top and with your head held high and a plan to move forward. You can also use the four R’s of forgiveness outlined in this article. They remind us of the importance of self forgiveness — Responsibility, Remorse, Restoration, and Renewal.
You can stay stuck, but where will that get you? Remember, everyone makes mistakes. Everyone has ups and downs. Everyone goes through heart break. Everyone has moments when they doubt their abilities. Learn from those good and bad experiences, acknowledge the events that took place, forgive YOU, and move on.
Now that we have the 7 steps to discovering your true self, let’s continue to dig deeper because I filled you up with so many valuable nuggets.
The fifth nugget: Be Vulnerable
Be vulnerable and ask a trusted person for feedback. This one requires A LOT OF VULNERABILITY and it requires you TO LISTEN. You have to be willing to divide what you hear. That means take what you think can be helpful and let the rest be discarded. This is not an easy process and will take you time to learn how to accept all feedback given to you.
You can either become a victim or a student of the feedback you receive.
Seek out a trusted person who you feel knows you pretty well and ask them what they think about you. Ask them to give you the good, bad, and ugly because you want to know. Ask them what they think you can improve upon and work on to be a better version of yourself. You don’t just have to ask a trusted person, you can even ask an ex, a previous co worker, or someone you may have fallen out with years ago.
Nothing is impossible. The word itself says I’M POSSIBLE!
Audrey Hepburn
Following receiving this feedback, you will need to sit with yourself and have deep self reflective conversations. You may hear things that you have neglected to be honest with yourself about in the past. The key is for you to stay in control of your feelings and how you respond. You can either become a victim or a student of the feedback you receive. This conversation is definitely helpful when relationships are ending, whether that’s friendships or love relationships. Having a growth mindset as this article beautifully describes, will help you go into and leave these conversations with grace, and a willingness to change what you think is necessary.
Complete a spring cleaning of your relationships. Some relationships are not meant to last forever. Some people are meant to be in our lives for a short period of time while others are meant to stick around for years. Who are you spending most of your time with? Are they adding value to your life or are they keeping you stagnant? What renovations need to be made in your life? It is important to understand that this process can cause some ill feelings. The key is staying focused on what you are trying to accomplish and become.
What is difficult about this process and should be expected is going through the grief of the loss. Being comfortable with the loss of a relationship will bring you comfort. You will lose maybe not just one person but several people. Lean into the grief process. Learn more about yourself and what you want around you. Friends and family that I thought would be around forever are not. It was hard for me to grasp that. The love, the attention, and the TIME I invested in certain people for the relationships to just end was gut wrenching! And I had to realize that they were no longer adding value to my life. They were bringing me down. They were judging me. They were jealous of me. I will never understand why for some but I am happier without them around. I had to learn to be okay with that.
I am constantly growing into a better version of myself.
Surround yourself with people who are where you want to be. Renovation of your life may include tapping into mentors, coaches, and counselors to help you. Leveling up your life requires downgrades elsewhere .
Now that we have the 7 steps to discovering your true self, let’s continue to dig deeper because I filled you up with so many valuable nuggets.
The third nugget: Identify Your Strengths
The key word in this nugget is YOUR. We live in a world today where more likely than not we are comparing ourselves to what and who we see on social media. Your personal strengths help move you forward in a way that works for you. What works or worked for someone else might not work for you. So if you are trying to do something the same way someone else did and your strengths are not aligned with the task at hand, you will end up right back where you started…scratching your head, and wondering why this thing that worked for someone else is not working for you. Check out this awesome Ted Talk hosted by Eva Herber. She dives into why it is important to focus on your strengths. Your strengths come natural to you and compliment what it is you are trying to accomplish. It is important to understand the difference between strengths and weaknesses, or what I like to call my “needs improvement characteristics”. This article goes into more detail about the importance of why you should be aware of both.
Today I will do something my future self will be proud of.
What motivates you? What are you good at? What energizes you? What gives you purpose? How can you use your strengths to help you rediscover who you are? A great tool to use for this is called “High 5 Test“. You will need about twenty minutes to sit quietly with this test. The key with deciding on whether or not you should take this test is if you are unsure of what your strengths are and/or you want clarity for yourself. What I liked about doing this myself was that I had a good idea of what my strengths were. I just did not have the label and description with it. This test will allow you to connect the dots of different parts of your personality and learn how they can all work together personally and professionally. Focus on building up the best parts of you while you continue to work on the areas that need improvement.
Now that we have the 7 steps to discovering your true self, let’s continue to dig deeper because I filled you up with so many valuable nuggets.
Nugget 2: Sit alone. Alone? Yes.
Reflect. Acknowledge. Speak.
Self discovery doesn’t happen with your friends, your co workers, your mom or your spouse/significant other. Set time aside to sit with yourself daily for 30 minutes. You are probably asking yourself why or what you’re supposed to do with that time. In that time look at where you’re at in life. Reflect. Acknowledge. Speak. Reflect on how you got to where you are now. Acknowledge your successful events and not so successful events. Speak life over yourself.
No matter how many people you have around you, at the end of the day you have to be the one to pick your own self up. No one can be a bigger cheerleader for you than YOU. Why are you here? Seriously. What is your purpose? Who are you? Being a mom, dad, spouse, friend are great and I also want you to really think about these questions. Are you living out your purpose? Are you committed to being a better version of yourself? There is always room for growth.
Failure is an event. It does not define who you are.
Remember, failure does suck but it does not define who you are. Failure is an event. It is not who you are. Failure is something that happens to you and for you. You have worth and you are here reading this. Therefore, you matter. Tell yourself, “this thing failed and I am not a failure”. Sit with it. Own it. And then plan for what your next steps will be.
To see the full blog I wrote on self discovery, click here.
Now that we have the 7 steps to discovering your true self, let’s dig deeper because I filled you up with so many valuable nuggets. For the next several posts we will dig deeper into each nugget.
Nugget #1: Write down what you like.
Self discovery has a lot to do with what we feel we may have lost within ourselves. A lot of times we see this in relationships or marriages. Understand who you are. What do you like? What don’t you like? What we like tends to bring us some sort of joy for a moment. What do you like to do? What did you like to do that you used to do that you don’t do anymore? That was a mouthful, read that again. As you read this, I would like you to write down at least five things that you would like to do that brings you some joy. This could even include a goal or two you may have for yourself.
You can get back to you!
Many of us put the things we like and even our goals aside to adjust to the “new life” we find ourselves in. Sometimes we do this without realizing it until years go by and sometimes we do this because we THING we cannot commit or find time for ourselves. Now, there may be some things you may have to adjust to especially when you have kids or have to take care of a family member. AND I want you to remember you CAN get back to YOU.
What if I told you that you can still be in a relationship or have certain responsibilities and MAKE time for you to do whatever it is you want to do? (With reason and respect of course).
What if you set aside specific time for you and your list of likes or for you and your goals?
What if you set a timer so that you have control over the time spent and can be more intentional about what it is you are wanting to do?
What if you discovered your purpose in life and it happens to be something you like and enjoy doing?
What value are you fulfilling?
What if you had thirty minutes to do something you like today, what would you do?
What piece is missing from your life? What have you lost within yourself.
I lost myself in a relationship and was stripped from my social life. I was being consistently inconsistent with myself in what I needed because I was trying to please others in an unhealthy way. I had to relearn some things about myself including WHO I was. So I had to ask myself and was asked in counseling: Who is Jasmine? What does Jasmine like?
It took me a while to know and understand it was okay to like to do what it was I liked to do. Who are you really? Be okay with who you are and what you like. Give yourself permission to change over time. Give yourself permission and time to identify what these things are even if you have forgotten or have been forgotten. Identify what you values are and how what you like align with those values. Understanding WHY these things are important to you will allow you to give yourself permission to set aside time for them.
I like being social and meeting new people.
I like doing community service work for a cause.
I like to explore new restaurants and go to happy hours.
I like to eat ice cream and sit outside and let the sun melt it as I try to hurry and eat it.
I like to blast music (all genres) throughout my house.
I like to talk and share laughs on the phone with my friends who no longer reside close to me.
I like to listen to my favorite podcasts.
I like to learn by reading or attending trainings from all over the world.
I like to workout outside when the weather is over 65 degrees.
I like to watch horror movies on Saturday afternoons.
Everything you need for your success, you have inside of you.
Everything you need for your success, you have it inside you. Don’t let anyone talk you out of your dreams or goals. Those are YOURS. Go after it! So I ask you again, what do you like? What are you going to do in order to allow yourself to tap into those things today?
To see the full blog I wrote on self discovery, click here.
Every year I see and hear people saying that they are tying to find themselves or figure out who they are and what their purpose is. Most of the time these same people are not completely happy with who they are in that moment or time in their lives. That was me. I was stuck for 5 years trying to understand how and why I lost myself. I didn’t know who I was anymore for quite some time.
It’s time to be selfish because you have been selfless for so long.
My question to you is, when are you going to put yourself first? When are you truly going to reevaluate your life and start to make some small changes? It’s time to be selfish because you’ve been self less for so long. Here are 7 Steps to help you get started and moving in the right direction:
1. Write down what you like.
Self discovery has a lot to do with what we feel we may have lost within ourselves. What we like tends to bring us some sort of joy for a moment. What do you like to do? What did you like to do, that you used to do, that you don’t do anymore? That was a mouthful, read that again. What did you like to do, that you used to do, that you don’t do anymore? Write down at least five things that you would like or do like that brings you joy.
2. Sit alone. Alone? Yes.
Self discovery doesn’t happen with your friends, your co workers, your mom/dad or your spouse/significant other. Set time aside to sit with yourself daily for 30 minutes. In that time look at where you’re at in life. Reflect on how you got to where you are now. Acknowledge your successful events and not so successful events. Write them down. Speak life over yourself. Look yourself in the eyes (in the mirror) and tell yourself where you want to be. Write down where you want to be.
I am not selfish if I focus on myself for a little bit
Jazzy Speaks
3. Identify your strengths.
What motivates you? What are you good at? What energizes you? What gives you purpose? How can you use your strengths to help you rediscover who you are? A great tool to use for this is called “High 5 Test”: https://high5test.com/.
4. Complete a spring cleaning of your relationships.
Are they adding value to your life…
Some relationships are not meant to last forever. Some people are meant to be in our lives for a short period of time while others are meant to stick around for years. Who are you spending most of your time with? Are they adding value to your life or are they keeping you stagnant? Many times we may find ourselves pouring ourselves into someone so much that we feel drained. As if they were sucking the life out of us. Surround yourself with people who are where you want to be. Tap into mentors, coaches, and counselors to help you.
5. Be vulnerable and ask a trusted person for feedback.
This one requires A LOT of vulnerability and it requires you TO LISTEN. Some times it can be helpful to hear what others think of us, if it is a) coming from a good place and b) it is received well. Seek out a trusted person who you feel knows you pretty well and ask them to provide you with some feedback on how and what they think and see within you. Ask them to give you the good, the bad, and the ugly, because you want to know. Ask them what they think you are good at (your strengths) and what you can improve upon and work on to be a better version of yourself.
6. Apologize and forgive yourself.
Sometimes what is holding us back at being the best version of ourselves is the person we see when we look in the mirror. If you’re waiting for the person who hurt you to fix what they did to you, you are on their time. Make the decision today to heal yourself. You have control over how you react and respond to the pain. You are not what you went through or what you are going through.
When was the last time you looked in the mirror and had a conversation with yourself? “[insert your name] and say: I’m sorry for allowing these things to happen to you. I’m sorry for how I’ve been treating you. You deserve better. You deserve happiness. You deserve to find out what your purpose is and to live. I will create happiness for you starting now. I hurt you and I let you down and I forgive you. Moving forward I will try my best everyday to give you what you deserve. There will be ups and downs but I got this”.
Allow yourself to feel.
Whew! Did you do it? Hard huh? Maybe today is not the day that you do it but write it down and give yourself that moment. This helps you take ownership of your life and decisions. It is so freeing. You won’t know until you try. You might cry and that’s okay. Allow yourself to feel.
7. Affirmations. Affirmations. Affirmations!
I am remembering the freedom to be here, and live an enjoyable life. It’s not for me to always be about self improvement. I trust, I relax, and enjoy myself. It is more than okay to take a break from healing.
Toni Jones
These are huge! Even if you don’t believe the affirmations, say them to yourself until you do believe. A great resource if you don’t know where to start when creating affirmations is here and also a bomb artist I recently discovered, created a new genre of music called Affirmations and Chill. Here’s the link to my favorite song and album. Write down some of your favorites and speak life over yourself every morning. You should start your day with affirmations. This helps to set the tone for your day every day.
Every thing you need to discover or rediscover yourself is inside of you.
They key is starting small. Don’t overwhelm yourself by trying to make a huge list of changes today. Have patience with yourself and remind yourself that you are doing the best you can. Every thing you need to discover or rediscover yourself is inside of you.
Jazzy Speaks 